Vietnam Day 65 (8/12/09)

This is it, my final day in Vietnam. Really it just feels like a continuation of yesterday, but the longer I can drag out my time here the better. Some people didn’t make it and fell asleep when we got back from the cafe, but I stayed up. We were leaving for the airport at three in the morning and going to sleep before then would have just thrown me off. We got off the bus at the airport and gathered just a few feet away from where we’d first seen our Vietnamese roommates, but this time we were saying goodbye. We all hoped it wasn’t forever but we definitely won’t see each other for years, which is devastatingly sad. Hieu started tearing up early on and went around giving everyone hugs, which started the chain and soon everyone was embracing. I saved the best for last, giving Van Anh a final bear hug before entering the airport. Right after we got inside the roommates texted those of us who still had cell phones to say more goodbyes and tell us they loved us all. It seemed they were getting pretty choked up back on the bus. I still remember how awkward it was when we first got here, but we got so much closer over these nine weeks and now I’m as natural around them as any other friends.

Now it’s just us Americans, sitting at the gate reminiscing about our time in Vietnam. I’m not sure where I am in my head right now. We’re in the midst of such an extended transition period that my emotions and even my personality are disjointed. I feel like I have changed somehow, but I can’t pinpoint it. Now I’m thinking back to the reverse culture shock video we watched a few days ago and wondering what it will be like to be back home. Will my friends and family think I’m different too, and how will I interact with them if I can’t even figure out what has changed in me and to what extent. By the time I got on the plane it was painful to stay awake any longer so I took one last long wistful look at the Vietnamese rice fields out the window and fell asleep.

When I woke up we were in Hong Kong and it was time to say goodbye to the group flying through San Francisco. This goodbye wasn’t tearful because we’re certainly going to see each other again pretty soon. After that it was just Alex, Van, and I on a fourteen-hour flight to Chicago. My last view of Asia was a barge slowly trudging through the se, then the plane increased in altitude and there was nothing but clouds. Halfway through the flight I was talking with Alex and we realized how removed we are now from Vietnam. We passed some sort of barrier in time or space where everything suddenly became a memory rather than our lives. I still can’t exactly figure out how I’ve changed, but I do suddenly feel older. Vietnam feels like a whole lifetime and with that much experience behind me how could I not grow up a bit.

This international flight didn’t seem quite as long as the last one, but that’s probably just because I was so tired that I slept through most of the trip. As we descended, a distinctly American landscape came into view. The ticky-tacky suburban houses looked no more original the closer we got to them – the blocks of identical houses almost looked eerie. Even stranger were the roads, which were oddly devoid of motorbikes. The whole scene looked like something out of a movie. I don’t know how this much change is possible after only two months away, but I’m having trouble identifying with my nationality. While I was in Vietnam, being American was such an indelible part of my identity, a part that I was more proud of than I ever had been living in the U.S. Now that I’m back though, I find myself thinking more of Vietnam as my homeland.

After passing through customs, we walked outside and I was pleasantly surprised to find how noticeably clean Chicago is compared to the smog of Saigon, but once we were back inside walking around the airport everything seemed foreign. I guess it was my first bit of culture shock, but it was kind of uncomfortable to join crowds of Americans who all seemed so big, both taller and more overweight than most of the Vietnamese I’ve been living amongst. We were followed everywhere by the sickening smell of fast food. We thought of maybe trying to get something to eat but as soon as I saw the prices I decided to wait until I got home. I adamantly refuse to pay six dollars for a little pizza – that’s two days worth of meals in Vietnam. I don’t know what I’m going to eat when I get home either because all I really want right now is pho, fan-cakes (little dishes of rice-paper topped with meat and quail egg we had a couple of times in Saigon), or maybe spring rolls with corn! It’s a challenge to remember to say, “thank you” and “I’m sorry” because “camon” and “xin loi” have become so instinctual.

I’m still nervous about actually getting home – how will I be able to talk about all the things that have happened to me? My cousin already sent me a text simply asking, “how was Vietnam?” I haven’t responded yet simply because I have no idea how to put the answer simply. I guess I should figure out a short and sweet answer I can give to all the other people who will surely ask and won’t want to know every detail. I’ll need to keep myself in check and not talk about only Vietnam 24/7. It’s certainly the only topic of conversation that comes to mind right now. I don’t know yet if my relationships with family and friends will change or if we’ll interact differently, but I guess I’ll find out soon enough because I’m landing in Durham in less than ten minutes. Jai ai…is it really over?